ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
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He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
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When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
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