Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
After last night, I could never be a politician.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
