You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
