Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
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