Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I just want nice things and good sex
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Randomize
