we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Randomize
