...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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