I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
