lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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