Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
