he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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