i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
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I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
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she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.