he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.