I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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