last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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