I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
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