After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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