I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Randomize
