and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
there is puke in my bra ... again
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