i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
