Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
