So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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