He uses pillows to masturbate.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
