I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
