I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize