I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
