Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
