where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Randomize
