I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
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