If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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