I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
