The maid of honor just puked.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Randomize
