remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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