Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
