Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
