im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
