I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
