omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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