I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
