My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Randomize
