Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
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