I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
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