I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
