Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
You pole danced in your parka.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Randomize
