Apparently you make a good broom.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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