between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
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he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
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She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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