So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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