1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
