He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
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"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
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I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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