My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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