Did I miss anything?
A gay irish pirate, a caveman and hunter s tompson.
so we also did drugs
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
