I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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