The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
