I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
25 People Confess What They’re Shamefully Attracted To
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
These 23 People Share the Worst Advice They’ve Been Given
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high