I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?