I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING