Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Randomize
