i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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