Just took my morning after pill in the library
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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