I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
