Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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