So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.