I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
should my penis look like a turkey
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
