It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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