I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
no you cant smoke seaweed
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Randomize
