Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
