theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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